Saturday, August 4, 2012

Not Just Any Baby

Before you were born,
I built a library.
I took classes.
I asked questions.
I was prepared to be a mom.

And then, the fear came.
You were tiny and new and needy.
I was selfish and inexperienced
And excruciatingly exhausted

And scared.

I remember your future flashing before my eyes.
I'd play it out with a pit in my stomach.

How do I's and 
what if she's and 
will I ever's and 
how will I know's

Looking back, I don't know why I was so scared.
It didn't matter that I was a mom.
It mattered that I was your mom.

Every day I learned you better
Like best friends or soul mates
I could read your mind
I could breathe in your feelings
I melded you to me
This living, breathing piece of my heart

And it didn't matter if I had all the answers
Because we would figure it out together

It didn't matter if I messed up
Because you'd forgive me

And it didn't matter if I was "a good mom."
It mattered that I was good to you. 

Love drives out fear.

Before you were born, 
they told me babies are hard,
that I would be exhausted,
that I had no idea.

They were right.

But what they didn't tell me
made all the difference...
I wasn't just having any baby
I was having
you.

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